Half day at the beach

I made a suggestion to Hubby some time back and asked him to take half day off today to spend time together.

He agreed.

Hence, we took half day off and after having lunch in Cafe Cartel in PS, where we had LOUSY service, we made our way to East Coast Park.

Thank God it was not very hot, there was a gentle breeze blowing and the park can be considered as crowded on a Monday afternoon. But we still manage to find a shady seat and just enjoy each other's company.

I thought I will feel sad today... after all, we were supposed to be expecting our bundle of joy today. 30 June.... but surprisingly, I was not as badly affected as I thought I will be. I wanted Hubby's company so that I won't feel too bad and keep dwelling on it. But, thank God, I think I'm coping well.

We merely just sat there, looking at the sky, the water, enjoying the breeze and each other. Simple, yes. But it was a good time away and time off from the hustle and bustle of town, to keep my mind off Lima Bean and all. We sat there for hours. Occasionally chatting, otherwise, sitting down and just staring and daydreaming with our fingers entwined or leaning against each other.

I like it when we do that. We do not have to say something to each other all the time, yet, I feel so contended and peaceful and walk away as though, we've said lots to each other.

We took a long bus ride back to J8 after that and had dinner at the Hong Kong Cafe theme eatery.

Reached home at about 8pm and got a call from family in laws. First Uncle's wife had pass away, hence, tml, we'll have to go for the wake.

It's been many months since I went thru the D&C. At times, I still think of it. Not that I particularly go on thinking about it, it just comes up once a while. I guess, it's something that I will never be able to forget fully but just learn to live with it and move on.

God bless your soul, Lima Bean.

I can say I'm all right. Just being a woman, sometimes my emotions gets the better of me and makes me think of it all over again. I will only get better and stronger with the healing touches of God and with the love and support from Hubby and family members. =)

Thoughts

Was having dinner at my parents' place earlier and was just chatting with my mom over nothing of significant importance.

Was sharing with her that I have a lousy manager and that he hates me. Though my chicky pox was so long ago, now, he'll still bring it up to remind me whenever I'm on MC...

I was also then telling my mom, if he mentions about my long hospitalization leave last year, I'll bring it up to the big boss and complain about him.

And at this point in time, my mom became very excited. She began to tell me that I should being to take more nutritious food to build up my body so that we can be prepared for a BB. =/ And that her friends are telling her what I should be eating and all etc etc. My mom said she's afraid to cook / prepare all these tonics for me since we're still studying and if I really get pregnant then there's lots more other issues to think and to solve. The conclusion? Wait till we finished our course next year then she'll do all these.

I know the parents (seems to be mine, especially) are very excited for us to get pregnant and to produce them some little ones... But, we are the ones who have to pay and educate and go thru the whole process, are we ready?

I also know that one can never be too ready or too prepared... I mean, no matter how prepared one is, there can always be other things that are unexpected and not turn out the way we want or wished it to be.

I'm really in 2 minds. One on hand, I simply am very comfortable with our current lifestyle and have no wish for it to change. On the other hand, Hubby and the rest of the world wants to have children.

I know that it is the responsibility of married couples to reproduce... Just as God has also said, to multiply. But, can I be a good parent?

Isn't it worse if we bring our children to the world and then simply have no time, no energy, no attention on them? Leave them to the care of others? I know for certain this is not what I want for my children. I grew up with my grandmother as both my parents are working day and night to make ends meet. I hardly see my parents when I was young. Needless to say, I'm not close to them at all. It's only till recently that my mom and I gets along better. I still have not manage to bring myself to speak to my dad. He's a stranger to me. I don't know him and I doubt he knows me. Many can say, then it's up to me to make the first move to get back to him and to mend our relationship bah bah bah.... Honestly, I know I should. But I don't.

It's hard to grow up in a family where your father don't care 2 hoots about you and then to grow up and say... oh ya.... let begones be begones, we start anew and fresh. I wish I can. But I can't. I don't have the courage nor the 'want' to do it.

So many can say, I should make the first move and all. I have. I have over the years, made tiny little moves and all I can say is that it's not getting me anywhere.

I have tried to seek his approval when I first started dating hubby... I have tried to get him involved in my studies in the Poly... I have tried to get him involved in my 21st Birthday celebration... My wedding, the biggest moment of my life.... and all these lead to nothing. The guy, I call father has not made any changes to show me that he welcomes the change, that he wants to be a part of my life.

Hence, I have also shut him out of my life.

So, don't tell me to make the first move. I have and I had. If I were to stand before God now, I do think I can tell God honestly, yes Lord. I feel nothing for him, but I have tried. Maybe it's not enough I don't know. But I've tried my best.

I know very well this is not the kind of family that I want my children to have. But though I have the ideal family in my mind, I'm not so sure if I can make it happen. I've seen lots of my cousins & friends having children and it's tough. It's VERY tough. And having come from such a family, I honestly and seriously doubt if I will not follow their footsteps. I know that I can place my trust in God and that He can guide me along. It's not that I don't trust him neither do I doubt that he can guide me. My fear is also that I'm too stubborn for my own good.... that I refuse Him entry.

Am I able to make sacrifices like these for my children? I don't know. I really don't know. Godma and a close friend both said they think I am not ready to be a parent. And I totally agree with them.

I would rather not have any. But this is impossible in a marriage. Unless we've tried and we can't then that's a different situation. But knowing Hubby and the rest of the parents, if we, or rather I were to say we'll start trying now, all of them would only be too happy!

A close friend has been sharing that she wished to have children asap. I can feel her yearnings to be a mother. Yet, I'm feeling just a little comprehensive apprehensive on this issue. How does one know that they are ready to take on this huge responsibility of being totally responsible for a totally defenseless and hundred percent dependent little human being?

How does one know that the moral, ethics, education, teachings and all the rest is enough for the child? That the child will turn out well?

There's no answer to this and yet, these are the assurances that I deeply seek before I'm ready to move to the parenthood stage.

I don't know why I'm posting this...

Honestly, it never cross my mind to post this on multiply though I already have a few entries of it on my Blogs.

I want to forget about this whole incident and move on and if you can see this post, it means I trust you enough to not broadcast this further as I've set this post to only be restricted to individuals.

After reading the recent post(s) from Haze mostly on the strings of unfortunate events, I thought I just want to share my own experience with her especially and also some of you who we have mutual friends.

For most of you who are not aware, I was on MC for the last 3 weeks and another 2 weeks before that... and the reason why I was on MC for so long and given so much MC was because I was pregnant.

Now, before you get all excited and start to congrulate me / us, I want to highlight the word "was". Ya. I'm no longer pregnant.

I had a missed abortion in the medical terms and in layman's means miscarriage. I was told to rest and not overwork myself because the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was spotting. The frantic calls to various gynaes, to book appts and all the mixed feelings we had with the Baby. Especially when hubby and I are studying, our time, our finances, our energy is zapped by studies, how to manage a newborn, I seriously don't know. I took jabs, pills and rested as much as I can. After spending more than $1K on these visits and pills and medications, still it did not help. Towards the end, I bled even more.

At week 7, my Gynae could not detect any fetal heartbeat of the baby and my blood tests reveal that my HCG level is dropping.

We were told that my baby will not survive and we have to go thru an operation, D&C, similiar to that of the abortion process to remove the tissues and everything in my womb.

Though we were not fully prepared to be parents, on hearing this piece of news, my world came crashing down. I found it hard to accept that I was pregnant, when we finally got round to accepting that we're going to be parents, we were told the Baby is not developing.

It's hard hearing the news. It's even harder preparing for the operation. Preparing to go thru the operation to remove our Baby that we had come to love in a matter of few weeks was about the worse thing that can ever happen to us in our marriage life thus far.

It feels horrible, even though I know that the little one could not have survive, it did not make the operation any easier.

Anyway, to cut the whole thing short, we went thru the operation. Physically, there's not much pain. Emotionally, it hurt. The knowledge that we had removed our Baby (even though there's no chance of surviving) still pains me sometimes. And of course, a big medical bill la. Hence the $1900 credit bill to be settled. =/

But yet, we believe that there is at least a good thing that comes out from this whole episode. At least we know that we are fertile, at least, we know we can have children. At least, I know now what to expect and what to do the next time I'm pregnant. At least, we did not wait till the miscarriage happened on it's own when I'm alone at home, At least, we did not wait till the baby developed more and then it's adnormal. Or wait till the pregnancy went further along and the attachement is stronger...The list is simply endles...

So Haze, what I want to tell you is, despite all the things that's happening to you right now, know that God is always there, always watching, always keeping you safe in the palm of his hands. He will not leave you hanging and alone.

Hubby says, focus on the good things and things will just fall naturally into place with His grace.

I dare not say that I've gotten over the whole episode. But at least, I can talk about it now, when previously, just a mention of it brings me back to a sobbing child. With the grace of God, I'm slowly but surely recovering.

The baby will live in our hearts always and we know that he/she is with God now. So that's the end of it.

Cindy: Thanks for your concerns when you knew I was on MC for a pretty long time. I was not ready to talk about it then much less on a "public platform" where anyone and everyone can see / read it.

Bye Bye Lama Bean

We lost Lama Bean today.

Doc Lee called it missed abortion. I called it miscarriage.

Whatever the term, the fact is Lama won't be with us. I can only pray that he/she is now in heavens with God and his angels.

Goodbye Lama. We loved you despite your short stay with us.

Long walk

It's been a long time since hubby and I took a slow leisurely walk after mass. I really enjoy doing it with him. Just him and me, walking, hand in hand, chatting about anything and everything.

It's also been sometime since we last go to CTK for evening mass. The weather was great, not too hot, with a slight breeze coming our way every few minutes. It would have been better if those idiot smokers will smoke in the direction of the wind AWAY from people and that if the blessed bus comes on time... But anyway, I had a great evening with hubby and Lima Beanie (LB) and that's all that matters. So not to dwell on unhappy things and spoil my mood....

After evening mass at CTK, we bump into Jason. It's been ages since we last saw him too. At least more than 6 months already! SO it was a big surprise to have met him. We would have dinner together if he was not meeting his girlfriend, so another time then.

Had dinner at S11 in AMK. Just a simple dinner, nothing fancy. Then went in search for my jelly shoes. But after walking and trying, I find that the shoes are not for me. It's flat. ya... but too flat. I cannot stand it. So no jelly for me already.

Just walked around and we landed up in Hub. I was attracted to a temporary accessories stall and was busy choosing some earrings for myself and I think I saw a blogger there too but can't be sure since it's only her photos I saw. Her son is probably less than 6 months old now, but she's looking good and slim! Back to my earrings, I got these...Big, wooden ones. I think the trend is changing to wooden pieces already. Earlier this year it was beads and ornate designs, then silver and now wooden pieces. I actually seen similar pieces being sold at F21. But the price is forever out of my range. These 3 pairs only costs me $5 lor. Where to find like that? Happy. =)

Anyway, I bought 2 pairs of leggings as well. I have been wanting to get more, since leggings are very expandable and I figured with my soon-to-expand waistline, leggings are about the most comfy and cheap thing I can be wearing? A plain brown and black pair from COAX. And there's 10% off! *heehee* Easiest to match my existing tunics and tops. =) I think tunics are about the next best thing I can wear in my existing wardrobe without spending too much for the time being too!

Finally, while we were on the way to the library to return a book, we passed by this shoe shop. Remember I was in search for flatties? I finally found something comfortable and suitable! Tough not as cheap as jelly, I would prefer to pay more lor. $19.90 each. Good. Now I have 3 basic colors (Black is an existing pair. Now with white/black and brown) already. This will be enough for me to last through for a couple of months! Hopefully, can last me through to when I need not carry LB, then I can go back to my heels!

Came home to find a cheque in the letter box. It's the full refund for our deposit that we paid originally for our trip to Israel. The agent is kind enough to return us our deposit in full. I'm so thankful and grateful to him. We were prepared to loose up to 75% of the amount when I called him.

And he's so sweet, he actually enclosed a short note with the cheque, congratulating us on the soon to arrive LB. Mann.... the next time, when we are ready to go to Israel, I'll be VERY sure to go to him!

Hubby's viewpoint is that, he wants to remain on good terms, so that we will go back to him or refer others to him. Whichever way hubby wants to look at it, I still find Anthony a nice and sincere man and it's his kindness that he is willing to return us the full deposit. The deposit may not be much, it's $1K, but to us now, this $$$ will definitely come in handy when LB grows bigger and is ready to face the world.

On a completely different side note, I was asking hubby if we should go and visit his parents. It's been more than a month since we last saw them. Granted we are busy with work and school and I've not been in a very suitable situation to move around much recently. But since we are in AMK, maybe just drop by to say "Hi" or something. But hubby was against it, he said too late already. By the time we leave for home, it will be too late. So, we did not go.

I kind of have this feeling that hubby's aunts are 'blaming' me that we are not going back. Hubby used to go back at least once a week with or without me. But recently, he has been doing the disappearance act. Even though he has lessons and exams, my PIL is aware but somehow, I just have this feeling lor. Call it the womens' 6th sense or whatever.

Maybe hubby is worried about me making the trip there and staying out till so late. He has grown to be very 'naggy' these days. Ever since the day he knew of LB's existence and I'm spotting. The moment my butt leaves the sofa, bed or chair, he asked me where I'm going. =/ Yes. I know he is concerned. But to be honest, I feel perfectly fine and mobile! Just that, I don't move as fast as I used to and of course the unfortunate bit is that I'm still spotting la. But really, other than these, I'm fit as a fiddle! I've not even started the dreaded Morning Sickness (MS) that most ladies are complaining about in the same stage of pregnancy.

Anyway, the pills from Dr Lee seems to be working, I still do have some spotting, but from the look of it, it looked like the unabsorbed portion of the medication rather than spotting. But nevertheless, I'm still going to be absolutely careful and not put myself or my LB at risk.

p.s LB is just a nick. We are NOT going to call our baby that, but BB will be LB till we think of something more suitable.

Our little Darling; The Lima Beanie

Went to see Dr Kenneth Lee at Mt A this morning and he assured me that I am indeed pregnant + the little one is in a good shape and has grown to 10mm now.

It is still too early to say if the little one will turn out well and normal at this stage in time, but he told me to relax and give the little one time to grow. On top of that, he has given me fish oil and also some extra pills to try to stop my spotting. Hope the medication will work.

Will be back to see him on 24 Nov. This time, hubby will be coming with me. And if all turns out well, we should be able to see / hear the heartbeat of our little darling.

All I'm asking for is the Baby to be healthy and developing normally and well. The rest of the things don't matter as much anymore.

The first scan of our Baby. The first sign of life of our little darling done by Dr Yvoone Soong at TMC using ultrasound. Sac measured at 6mm as on 30 Oct 07.

Second scan of our Baby. Done today by Dr Kenneth Lee at Mt A using vaginal scan. A little uncomfortable and caused me to have heavy spotting the whole of today. =(

Close up of our Baby. Dr Lee said it has grown from my verbal report of 6mm to 10mm now and that it's in a good shape. =) That's a relief. Our Baby is officially termed as "lima beanie" today as the shape just reminds me of a "Lima Bean" a sleeping lima bean that is. =)

But for the matter, baby looks like a bean, any bean not just a Lima anyway. But don't know why, Lima Beans just keeps popping into my head. Hubby came home and immediately asked "How's our "Lima Beanie" doing?" and went in search for this precious scan of Baby. hahahahahaha

I guess, the name "Lima Beanie" is here to stay for a while now.

Exciting news

The exciting news is that, in another few more months (not inclusive of November), 7 to be exact, we are going to have a Baby!!!

Hubby was so excited when he got over the shock which was to find me crying and sobbing in the toilet.

He has now taken to reminding me to eat, not that I need any reminders, I'm hungry like a cow usually every 2 hours =/ not to do heavy things and basically will ask where I am going every time my bum bum leaves the sofa or chair or bed.

He also also taken to thinking of names for the little one already though we don't even know the gender.

My parents know about this new addition to the family, but PIL are not aware yet. I kept having 2nd thoughts whenever hubby is ready to tell them and urge Hubby to wait after the first Gynae visit, then after the blood test and now, after the second Gynae visit... I also don't know why I'm like so scared to tell them...

Maybe I'm worried that they will give me a set of "Do's and Dont's" that's why?

Anyway, wait and see. Keep praying for us and that the little one is growing well and strong. =)