Thoughts

Was having dinner at my parents' place earlier and was just chatting with my mom over nothing of significant importance.

Was sharing with her that I have a lousy manager and that he hates me. Though my chicky pox was so long ago, now, he'll still bring it up to remind me whenever I'm on MC...

I was also then telling my mom, if he mentions about my long hospitalization leave last year, I'll bring it up to the big boss and complain about him.

And at this point in time, my mom became very excited. She began to tell me that I should being to take more nutritious food to build up my body so that we can be prepared for a BB. =/ And that her friends are telling her what I should be eating and all etc etc. My mom said she's afraid to cook / prepare all these tonics for me since we're still studying and if I really get pregnant then there's lots more other issues to think and to solve. The conclusion? Wait till we finished our course next year then she'll do all these.

I know the parents (seems to be mine, especially) are very excited for us to get pregnant and to produce them some little ones... But, we are the ones who have to pay and educate and go thru the whole process, are we ready?

I also know that one can never be too ready or too prepared... I mean, no matter how prepared one is, there can always be other things that are unexpected and not turn out the way we want or wished it to be.

I'm really in 2 minds. One on hand, I simply am very comfortable with our current lifestyle and have no wish for it to change. On the other hand, Hubby and the rest of the world wants to have children.

I know that it is the responsibility of married couples to reproduce... Just as God has also said, to multiply. But, can I be a good parent?

Isn't it worse if we bring our children to the world and then simply have no time, no energy, no attention on them? Leave them to the care of others? I know for certain this is not what I want for my children. I grew up with my grandmother as both my parents are working day and night to make ends meet. I hardly see my parents when I was young. Needless to say, I'm not close to them at all. It's only till recently that my mom and I gets along better. I still have not manage to bring myself to speak to my dad. He's a stranger to me. I don't know him and I doubt he knows me. Many can say, then it's up to me to make the first move to get back to him and to mend our relationship bah bah bah.... Honestly, I know I should. But I don't.

It's hard to grow up in a family where your father don't care 2 hoots about you and then to grow up and say... oh ya.... let begones be begones, we start anew and fresh. I wish I can. But I can't. I don't have the courage nor the 'want' to do it.

So many can say, I should make the first move and all. I have. I have over the years, made tiny little moves and all I can say is that it's not getting me anywhere.

I have tried to seek his approval when I first started dating hubby... I have tried to get him involved in my studies in the Poly... I have tried to get him involved in my 21st Birthday celebration... My wedding, the biggest moment of my life.... and all these lead to nothing. The guy, I call father has not made any changes to show me that he welcomes the change, that he wants to be a part of my life.

Hence, I have also shut him out of my life.

So, don't tell me to make the first move. I have and I had. If I were to stand before God now, I do think I can tell God honestly, yes Lord. I feel nothing for him, but I have tried. Maybe it's not enough I don't know. But I've tried my best.

I know very well this is not the kind of family that I want my children to have. But though I have the ideal family in my mind, I'm not so sure if I can make it happen. I've seen lots of my cousins & friends having children and it's tough. It's VERY tough. And having come from such a family, I honestly and seriously doubt if I will not follow their footsteps. I know that I can place my trust in God and that He can guide me along. It's not that I don't trust him neither do I doubt that he can guide me. My fear is also that I'm too stubborn for my own good.... that I refuse Him entry.

Am I able to make sacrifices like these for my children? I don't know. I really don't know. Godma and a close friend both said they think I am not ready to be a parent. And I totally agree with them.

I would rather not have any. But this is impossible in a marriage. Unless we've tried and we can't then that's a different situation. But knowing Hubby and the rest of the parents, if we, or rather I were to say we'll start trying now, all of them would only be too happy!

A close friend has been sharing that she wished to have children asap. I can feel her yearnings to be a mother. Yet, I'm feeling just a little comprehensive apprehensive on this issue. How does one know that they are ready to take on this huge responsibility of being totally responsible for a totally defenseless and hundred percent dependent little human being?

How does one know that the moral, ethics, education, teachings and all the rest is enough for the child? That the child will turn out well?

There's no answer to this and yet, these are the assurances that I deeply seek before I'm ready to move to the parenthood stage.