I don't know why I'm posting this...

Honestly, it never cross my mind to post this on multiply though I already have a few entries of it on my Blogs.

I want to forget about this whole incident and move on and if you can see this post, it means I trust you enough to not broadcast this further as I've set this post to only be restricted to individuals.

After reading the recent post(s) from Haze mostly on the strings of unfortunate events, I thought I just want to share my own experience with her especially and also some of you who we have mutual friends.

For most of you who are not aware, I was on MC for the last 3 weeks and another 2 weeks before that... and the reason why I was on MC for so long and given so much MC was because I was pregnant.

Now, before you get all excited and start to congrulate me / us, I want to highlight the word "was". Ya. I'm no longer pregnant.

I had a missed abortion in the medical terms and in layman's means miscarriage. I was told to rest and not overwork myself because the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was spotting. The frantic calls to various gynaes, to book appts and all the mixed feelings we had with the Baby. Especially when hubby and I are studying, our time, our finances, our energy is zapped by studies, how to manage a newborn, I seriously don't know. I took jabs, pills and rested as much as I can. After spending more than $1K on these visits and pills and medications, still it did not help. Towards the end, I bled even more.

At week 7, my Gynae could not detect any fetal heartbeat of the baby and my blood tests reveal that my HCG level is dropping.

We were told that my baby will not survive and we have to go thru an operation, D&C, similiar to that of the abortion process to remove the tissues and everything in my womb.

Though we were not fully prepared to be parents, on hearing this piece of news, my world came crashing down. I found it hard to accept that I was pregnant, when we finally got round to accepting that we're going to be parents, we were told the Baby is not developing.

It's hard hearing the news. It's even harder preparing for the operation. Preparing to go thru the operation to remove our Baby that we had come to love in a matter of few weeks was about the worse thing that can ever happen to us in our marriage life thus far.

It feels horrible, even though I know that the little one could not have survive, it did not make the operation any easier.

Anyway, to cut the whole thing short, we went thru the operation. Physically, there's not much pain. Emotionally, it hurt. The knowledge that we had removed our Baby (even though there's no chance of surviving) still pains me sometimes. And of course, a big medical bill la. Hence the $1900 credit bill to be settled. =/

But yet, we believe that there is at least a good thing that comes out from this whole episode. At least we know that we are fertile, at least, we know we can have children. At least, I know now what to expect and what to do the next time I'm pregnant. At least, we did not wait till the miscarriage happened on it's own when I'm alone at home, At least, we did not wait till the baby developed more and then it's adnormal. Or wait till the pregnancy went further along and the attachement is stronger...The list is simply endles...

So Haze, what I want to tell you is, despite all the things that's happening to you right now, know that God is always there, always watching, always keeping you safe in the palm of his hands. He will not leave you hanging and alone.

Hubby says, focus on the good things and things will just fall naturally into place with His grace.

I dare not say that I've gotten over the whole episode. But at least, I can talk about it now, when previously, just a mention of it brings me back to a sobbing child. With the grace of God, I'm slowly but surely recovering.

The baby will live in our hearts always and we know that he/she is with God now. So that's the end of it.

Cindy: Thanks for your concerns when you knew I was on MC for a pretty long time. I was not ready to talk about it then much less on a "public platform" where anyone and everyone can see / read it.